


the world is bloody awful, but you are everything

by lirians



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-10-29 18:49:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20801252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lirians/pseuds/lirians
Summary: His attraction to her is not out of the ordinary – he is always painfully, depressingly aware of her presence anywhere, capable of identifying and discerning her from everyone else in the exact, suspensive moment that she enteres any room – but her positive reaction to it definitely is. It’s been happening for about a month now. At first, she would send him thoughtful looks that  later on gave way to an endearment that James feels too wary to believe completely.





	the world is bloody awful, but you are everything

She's staring at him.

Her lips tilt up at the corners when she catches his eyes. Her face is framed by a few stray locks that rebelled against her loose plait, which makes him want to reach out from across the table and tuck them behind her ears.

His attraction to her is not out of the ordinary – he's always been painfully, depressingly aware of her presence anywhere, capable of identifying and discerning her from everyone else in the exact, suspensive moment when she enters any room – but her positive reaction to it definitely is. It’s been happening for about a month now. At first, she would send him thoughtful looks that later on gave way to an endearment that James feels too wary to believe completely.

Although engaging in conversation and cracking jokes along everyone else, her eyes are continuously searching for his. It’s happened five times already (six, because she's sending him another one of those assessing stares after she laughs at Mary for something or other that James isn’t buggered enough to listen to). He looks away yet again, the first one to break contact for the sixth time. He can't help but feel hopeful, although he's trying so bloody hard not to be.

He sees in his peripheral vision a grin stretching across those full, beautiful lips of hers, her green eyes boring holes in his face.

All of them, the sixth year Gryffindors, are squashed together almost at the end of their table, and that isn’t a novelty – it’s rather been a new regular for them. James thinks it might’ve been the perspective the recent attacks have given to everyone in the wizarding world: outside of the school grounds, every person against that bloody psychopath knows they’ll have to lean on one another sooner or later. They are on their way to the last year in Hogwarts and they will take part on what's happening outside. Trust isn't something to hand to anyone and he knows these allegiances will probably be the ones he'll carry on to his grave.

He needs to stop interpreting every little thing that Lily does as something other than her realisation that they defend the same thing, but it's bloody difficult to remain unaffected by the attention she's freely giving. It's even more evident because they aren’t close, their friendship is the one that their group dynamics haven't yet been enough to forge, although he _has_ apologized for being a git last year. (He obviously left out the fact that he couldn’t be more glad that she isn’t walking around with Snivellus anymore, especially now.) Ever since she forgave him, he feels unusually subdued next to her, as if any word could make their attempted acquaintanceship combust. After a summer of hard thinking on his part and beating himself up for being so tactless with what he had said that day by the lake, the idea of disappointing her is a little too much to bear. He's consciously holding back.

She doesn't have the same worries, if the looks she's currently sending him are any indication.

Maybe she wants to be friends, but it isn't likely that she would stride him along like this when she certainly knows that he has fancied her for a pathetically long time. The entire school is well aware of his feelings, sadly.

“That’s bullshit, Evans," Padfoot says. “There’s no way it was you.”

“I’m telling you!” she replies amusedly, lowering her arms on the table. She stares at Sirius for a beat before capturing James's eyes. Yet again. “It was me. You can ask Mary, she was with me that day.”

“It’s true, really," Mary agrees, her mouth still full of chicken rice. “She was just—"

“Don’t speak whilst eating, Mare," Marlene intervenes.

“I appreciate it," Peter says, stopping to dig through the potatoes to look up at the girls immediately across from him. "I'm right on the line here."

“That wouldn't bother you," James points out, his eyes following the conversation, glad to be free of Lily’s hold. “I remember that day on third year when you walked around with spit on your face for the entire day.”

“It was all dried up by the end of the afternoon," Peter agrees smoothly, not even remotely disgusted by it.

Marlene pretends to throw up.

“There are people trying to eat here, ya know," Lily quips. James glances at her empty plate with a raised brow. She notices and shrugs at him. “I didn’t say it was me.”

“You were the one that made a bet with him, Prongs," Remus says whilst serving himself some chocolate cake. “Never make a bet with Wormtail, girls. That’s just asking for disgusting shit like that.”

“I resent that," Peter announces.

“Never mind it," Sirius interrupts. “I want to know how Lily ended Slughorn's party.”

“It wasn't hard," Lily answers, dismissive. “I placed the dungbombs all around the food table. No one could eat or drink without getting a good sniff of it.”

“But how no one saw you?” Sirius asks, still suspicious. “Slughorn would’ve seen it. He can’t be away from his mead for long.”

“Well, Mary and I were dancing together all over the place, at first," she explains. A bit of her hair falls on her eyes and she tucks it into her ear. James can’t help but follow the motion, watching her fingers until they are drumming on the table. “I had no intention of ending it, really, but it was so boring, and Mare was a great date for about fifteen minutes, then she left me for Fabian Prewett.”

“I can’t imagine how heartbroken you were," Remus says, an ironic smile on his lips.

“I got over it quickly, really, with a good dose of scotch.”

“No, she wept for a week," Mary says, having swallowed her food. “It's hard to get over me.”

“You _are_ lovely, Mare, but you understand my interest lays elsewhere," Lily says offhandedly before turning to look at the boys again. James feels his heart tick at her words, but doesn’t know what to do of them. Is there someone? “Slughorn kept introducing me to ancient wizards that were very, very inappropriate. So I had to end it. I excused myself from the conversation, offering to get professor Slughorn's drink, and that was enough to have a few minutes alone at the table. Luck was that I had just gotten a few dungbombs at Hogsmead."

“And you were just walking around with it, yeah?” James asks, smirking at her. His head is still reeling, but he wants to see her reaction to him. "No intentions behind it?"

She blinks slowly at him, erasing her face of any smugness. Her lips are still tilted up, though. When she's happy like this it's impossible to not notice her magnetism.

“_Of_ _course_ not, James," she answers, her mouth forming his name softly. He curses inwardly, trying not to think of different circumstances in which he wanted her saying his name _exactly_ like that. “I would never.”

Sirius points his fork at her. “You are my glory and pride, Lily Evans."

“You’ve been around us too much," Remus notices.

“Isn’t that true," Marlene agrees. “Thank Merlin we’ll leave in two days. I don’t know how much more of you I can handle.”

“Which is why you invited us over to your house, I’m certain, McKinnon," Sirius points out.

“Oh!” Mary says suddenly, off the bench in a second. “I completely forgot to tell mum! I need to go to send her a letter.”

“I’ll come with," Marlene offers immediately, raising herself up. “Lily?”

“Can we meet in the Common Room?” she asks, her eyes rabbiting to James’s face and then turning to her friends again. “I want to have a word with James. If he wants to, of course.”

“Yeah, all right," he says, feeling his insides turn to jam. Lily gives him a small grin.

“Okaaay," Mary says laughingly, exchanging a look with Marlene. “We’ll go, then. Any of you lads would be interested in—”

“Absolutely," Sirius says, jumping out of his seat like it's on fire.

“Undoubtedly," Remus follows.

It's silent at the table for a beat. Peter continues eating.

“You, as well, Wormy," Sirius orders briskly.

“But I didn’t finish—”

“Take them with you," Remus suggests, walking over and handing Peter the bowl of potatoes. “You have a few minutes before the elves summon it back.”

“Okay," Peter says slowly, staring at Remus like he might’ve gone insane. He rises from the seat well. “Later, Prongs, Lily.”

“Let us know about the engagement, yeah?” Sirius quips.

James could kill him.

“Bugger off, Black," Lily says cheerily before James can say anything. “Let me propose first.”

Well. That... wasn't how he pictured this going.

“Yeah, yeah," Sirius agrees, still smirking.

“Don’t mind him," Remus says, hitting Sirius on the head.

“You are terrible, honestly," Marlene mumbles, taking Sirius by the arm and dragging him out. “I told you a thousand times not to—”

They can’t hear the rest of her sentence as their friends walk away, their heads close together, whispering something. Peter looks back at them twice. Mary sends them two enthusiastic thumbs up before they cross the door to the main entrance.

“That was smooth," Lily comments, pulling James’s eyes back on her.

“That’s their specialty.”

“We can’t take them anywhere, really," she wonders out loud, her eyes distant.

“We can," James says, trying to sound composed even though his heart, if let loose, could’ve run around the Hogwarts grounds twice already, so fast it's beating. “Just _silencio_ Sirius and you’ll be mostly fine.”

“I guess," she grins a bit, not really engaging, staring with that same long look she had been directing at him for some time now.

“Yeah," he says slowly, looking at her face for some tip on what's going on.

“Yeah," she repeats in a soft voice.

“So you wanted to talk?” he asks, raising his hand to comb through his hair in nervousness, but realising what he's doing before completing the motion. Its abortion is probably terribly indiscrete, because Lily’s eyes follow his hand closely. “Is everything okay?”

“I don’t know," she answers, pressing her lips together. Her hair falls on her eyes again, but she doesn’t bother to remove it this time. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you for some time now and I just—well, I’ve been wondering. Everyone’s getting along fine but it seems that you and I are just—not.”

“You think we aren’t?” he asks cautiously.

“I don’t know, really," she says, tilting her head. In which world is it fair that she looks like that, all freckled and worried, when he's trying to get over her? “Sometimes I feel that you’re not yourself with me. And I’ve been thinking a lot about that day by the lake—”

“I’m sorry about that," he says immediately, pushing his glasses up his nose. “I shouldn’t have—”

“I know you are," she cuts, looking at him dead in the eye. “You’ve told me.”

“Yeah," he breathes, finally letting his hand loose to scratch at his neck awkwardly.

“Anyway," she lowers her eyes. “I just meant to tell you that the world is bloody awful right now but you—”

He raises his brows when she stops.

“What?”

“I’m not making any sense, am I?” she smiles, shaking her head. “Let me just think of a way to phrase it.”

He nods at her, wondering where she wants to go with this. Around them, most students have left the Great Hall already, few of them still scattered on the four tables. No one's too close to hear them, though.

“I was always wondering about you," she breaks the silence a minute later, a faraway look on her face. “I always thought the way you treated your friends didn’t fit with the rest of the picture. It’s just—it may sound completely bonkers, but I think I get you. Finally. And I always wanted to.”

“You get me?” he inquires, wondering how much thought she’s put into that.

“Yeah. Tell me if I’m off, but I think you weren’t as comfortable in your skin as you seemed”, Lily says, no waver in her voice, leaning closer to him on the table. He could count the freckles that dot her nose. “I think you were trying to prove yourself. And. Maybe trying to show off? To someone?”

“I guess," he smirks bitterly, trying to supress the urge to grimace. Spot on, Lily. As usual.

“Yeah," she says, nodding, her face sweet, making him swallow around a dry throat. “I could always see how intelligent you were, how brave, but it all seemed wasted when you were being cruel. This year I could see just how much you care for your friends. It doesn’t hurt that you are invested in fighting for what’s right—"

“I don’t deserve all of this, Lily," he interrupts. If she knew… “The shit I pull – it’s not all legal, for one.”

“Well, you wouldn’t be James Potter if you were a saint," she rolls her eyes with a smile. “That doesn’t bother me, even though I would pay a great deal to find out what those illegal activities are. I just didn’t like that you acted as if you were a bad person when you weren’t one.”

He needs a second to breathe. And to rationalize what she's saying. “I had absolutely no idea you thought this highly of me," he says, attempting to keep his voice under control, subtly wiping his palms on his pants.

“I do now," she replies, brushing it off with a movement of her hand. “My point is – don’t be someone else around me. You can even mess your hair, I promise not to curse you.”

He chuckles. “I appreciate it.”

“What do you say?” Lily presses, leaning on the table.

“I promise to try," he says, his brain going over a thousand possibilities on his next step. He might need to take a chance now. She hasn't explained why she looks at him like she does, like he's a bloody Christmas present. “It’s not just feeling sorry for what I did in the past, but I’ll try.”

“It’s not?”

“You know it’s not," he says, looking directly at her wide green eyes. “I don’t have to tell you.”

She breathes for a second, juts her chin out. “Well, I might need to hear it anyway.”

“Why?” James asks steadily, as if his heart isn't pounding on his ears. 

“Because you never got to it," she explains, her cheeks getting coloured despite her intense stare. “And I’m a bit tired of hearing jokes from everyone without you ever addressing it.”

“As you remember, I addressed it pretty badly last year," he tries to joke. She huffs, raises her eyebrows in expectancy. “Well. I fancy you. Have fancied you for quite some time.”

“How long?” she inquires. Her eyes are a bit crinkled at the corners, like she's holding back a grin. James wonders why.

“End of fourth year."

“_That_ long?” she looks gobsmacked.

“What can I say," he shrugs, giving her a lopsided, sarcastic smile, “I’m a stubborn bloke.”

“That you are," Lily agrees, lowering her eyes to the table. “I want to tell you something as well.”

“What?” he asks, every hope he had squished down coming back in full force.

“It’s—I told you, I’m bloody terrified of what’s coming," she says in a low voice, tracing patterns on the table wood. “Right now, I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. Not at home and not here, where people call me mudblood left and right—”

“Don’t say that word," James says sharply. Lily looks up at him.

“It lost its meaning, honestly," she shrugs, tugging at the end of her plait. “But that’s what I was talking about. Ever since I came here, you never made me feel unwelcome. Not once. And even though I was one of the most enthusiastic critics of your behaviour, I want you to know that if I could pick anyone in this school to fight alongside me when I leave this place, it’d be you.”

He inhales slowly, trying to fit that idea in his brain. “Why?”

“I’m not entirely sure," she says, a smile stretching across her lips slowly. “You’re a fantastic duellist, that I know, but… It’s always been something else, don’t you think? You and I. Somehow.”

“What are you trying to accomplish here, exactly, Lily Evans?” he asks, squinting at her from behind his lenses, his own voice almost inaudible for him. “Because if it’s anything other than leading me on, it’s not working.”

She presses her lips together, holding back a smile, and drums her fingers on the table twice before getting up.

“I should go," she says. “Oh, there’s one last thing.”

James gestures for her to go on. “As long as you don’t send me to the Hospital Wing on a failed heart.”

She giggles, rolling her eyes at the ceiling. “I just wanted you to know that I've stablished a date to go out with the giant squid next term.”

James stares at her, wondering if she suddenly has gone mental. “What?”

“Yeah," she gives him one last smile. “Goodnight, James.”

“Night, Lily," he says mechanically, still reeling from everything she has said.

It takes him five minutes to understand what she means, which he blames entirely on the fact that her eyes are too distracting. He runs the rest of the way to the Gryffindor Tower, jumping steps and sprinting in a extremely believable rendition of a madman. When he gets there, she's sitting with their mates at her favourite chair, laughing at something Remus is saying. She looks up when he walks in, her eyes taking on that quality – fondness and exasperation, he can see it now – that had driven him barmy during the month. A long, slow look that makes him feel like the luckiest bloke on earth.

“If the giant squid is too dumb and loses his chance next term," he says breathlessly, walking over to her and not minding the least bit that their friends are looking at them, that the entire room is attentive after how loud has been his arrival, “would you go out with me? Not that much of a competition for the squid, of course, but if he’s out…”

Lily blinks, exchanging quick looks with her two best mates before looking at him again, those same green eyes that had haunted him for a month or so.

“I would, yeah," she says.

**Author's Note:**

> This was just something that I wrote and wanted to keep here... Not sure where I was going with this. Anyway, here it is!


End file.
